People often ask me how a relationship can fall apart so suddenly. One moment, your relationship seems perfect, and the next moment, someone blows up out of nowhere.
Many don’t realize it, but relationships rarely end abruptly. What looks like a sudden collapse is usually a slow erosion. Buried emotions and disconnections – these tell you that a big fight is bound to happen.
In this guide, I discuss the sneaky patterns that can creep up on you. Read on for the four horsemen of relationships and learn how to address them before it’s too late!
What Are the Four Horsemen of Relationships?
The four horsemen are a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. It’s inspired by the four horsemen of the apocalypse – biblical calamities that will end the world.
The four horsemen are used to describe destructive communication styles. It involves a series of attacks and defenses that predict relationship failure.
It may sound dramatic, but for those who care about their relationships, the four horsemen must be taken seriously. If you spot them within your relationship, you need to address them while you still have the time.
1. The First Horseman: Criticism
The Character Assassination
No partner is perfect. More often than not, your partner will have habits and behaviors you don’t agree with. However, rather than complaining about the behavior itself, criticism attacks your partner’s character.
When you criticize, you stop talking about what happened. Instead, the conversation becomes about who your partner is.
Simply put, you’re telling your partner that the problem isn’t the behavior. The problem IS them.
Examples of Criticism
You may hear statements like:
- “You’re so selfish.”
- “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why are you like this?”
- “You never think about me.”
How It Affects the Relationship?
Over time, criticism erodes your partner’s sense of security. The lack of safety can negatively impact intimacy within the relationship.
Addressing Criticism
Instead of attacking your partner, learn how to make calm requests. Share your wishes and needs with them.
Never judge or blame your partner, and be sure to find the right opening to address concerns.
2. The Second Horseman: Contempt
The Relationship Killer
Contempt is outright disdain and disrespect. It’s the result of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman describes contempt as the worst of the four horsemen.
Examples of Contempt
Examples of contempt include:
- Eye-rolling
- Sarcasm
- Mocking and name-calling
How It Affects the Relationship?
Contempt poisons the relationship. It tells your partner that you feel superior and that you’re disgusted by them.
Addressing Contempt
To save your relationship from contempt, you must slowly foster a culture of respect and appreciation. Regularly express your gratitude and love towards your partner, especially during a fight.
3. The Third Horseman: Defensiveness
The Blame Shifter
Defensiveness happens when you claim yourself blameless for what happened. You act like the victim, and you deflect blame towards your partner.
Although becoming defensive is a natural reaction to a partner’s attacks, it often harms the relationship.
Examples of Defensiveness
Defensiveness may include statements.
How It Affects the Relationship?
Over time, defensiveness makes your partner feel like they can never win. In the end, they just give up and stop trying altogether.
Addressing Defensiveness
To cure defensiveness, you have to take accountability, even for just a small part of the problem. Taking responsibility de-escalates a fight, and it can show your partner you understand where they’re coming from.
4. The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
The Emotional Shutdown
After repeated contempt, defensiveness, and criticism, you eventually become numb to your emotions.
Stonewalling happens when one or both partners in the relationship start to tune each other out. You disengage instead of trying to deal with the problem.
Unfortunately, the stonewaller often doesn’t show signs that they’ve shut down. They pretend to listen, nod their head, and agree. Their partner is left blindsided by the underlying issues.
Examples of Stonewalling
Examples of stonewalling include:
- Avoiding eye contact.
- Keeping silent or walking out during an argument.
- Becoming emotionally avoidant or acting busy.
How It Affects the Relationship?
Stonewalling builds resentment over time. Once you reach the tipping point, it can lead to a blow-up.
In some cases, it can be difficult to repair the relationship after this point. That said, it’s still possible to salvage the relationship through understanding and consistency.
Addressing Stonewalling
If you’re feeling too emotional during an argument, it’s best to step away from the situation. Tell your partner you need some time to calm down, and re-engage once you have a clearer mind.
Is Your Relationship About to End?
If you notice any of the four horsemen in your relationship, it doesn’t mean it’s about to end. In reality, criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling may happen even among happy couples.
The four horsemen of a relationship get dangerous once they become a pattern. That means they’re recurring, and you’re not taking steps to fix the problem.
Remember, healthy relationships aren’t conflict-free. Healthy couples simply know how to repair issues quickly.
The four horsemen are a powerful framework for understanding how relationships break down. Use them as a guide to recognize destructive behaviors and respond to conflict promptly.
To heal your relationship, never forget to choose peace over pride.
TLDR
In summary, the four horsemen – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are communication patterns that negatively affect a relationship. When you notice these, it’s a sign that your relationship is in distress.
Understanding the four horsemen is key to resolving the conflict. Instead of shifting the blame or attacking your partner’s character, focus on de-escalating the situation.
Don’t take the four horsemen for granted. Now’s the time to take steps to fix your relationship before it’s too late.
