Whether you initiated it or not, a breakup can be devastating. You look back, and it seems like just yesterday, everything was fine or at least fine-ish. Now, you’re no longer with the person you once loved and cherished.

Odds are, things didn’t fall apart in a day. Your relationship broke down in bits and pieces over time. And you’ll heal. But that, too, will take time and will happen in steps.

Read on to learn more about the stages of a breakup.

Before We Begin: 3 Crucial Things to Keep in Mind

Here are three important facts to keep in mind as you go through the stages:

1. Stages of Grief Aren’t the Same Stages of Dissolution

What comes to your mind whenever you think of the stages of a breakup? Do you think of the messy aftermath or the slow disintegration of the relationship that leads to the breakup itself?

Personally, the disintegration is what pops into mind first. After all, I like to examine all the subtle and seemingly harmless changes in communication and intimacy that can drive a relationship to its end.

However, I also know that many people need to focus on getting out of the emotionally messy aftermath before they can pull out their analytical lenses.

I’ll go over both the stages of coming apart and the stages of processing a breakup today. If you’re not ready to do a relationship post-mortem right now, skip the coming apart and jump to the section about the post-breakup grief.

2. The Process Doesn’t Have to Be Linear

No two relationships are the same, and not everyone processes breakups the same way. Generally, several emotions and lines of thought help people digest what happened before they’re ready to move on.

However, you don’t have to move through the stages like it’s a flow chart. People are more complicated than that. In fact, there’s nothing wrong or unusual with skipping stages, regressing, and repeating the cycle.

3. It’s Okay to Feel More Than One Emotion at a Time

Since the process isn’t linear anyway, emotions and stages can overlap. You could find yourself both angry at and longing for your ex, for instance. Again, that’s perfectly normal!

The 5 Stages of Coming Apart

The communication scholar Mark L. Knapp proposed a theoretical model for interrelationships. Despite being rather simple (two phases, 10 stages only), it explains how relationships grow, last, and end.

The first phase of Knapp’s model is all about the “coming together.” But, of course, it’s the “coming apart” phase that’s most relevant for our topic today. So, let’s see how relationships deteriorate, building up to the eventual breakup.

Knapp’s Relationship Model

Image source: Google

Stage 1: Differentiation

Conflict can be normal (and even healthy) in any relationship, including romantic partnerships. After all, compatibility doesn’t mean lack of differences.

The issue here is that conflict can highlight these differences. Suddenly, instead of functioning and communicating as a unit (we, us), each partner starts thinking and talking like an individual (I, me).

In healthy relationships, the couple sits down to reassess their needs and how they fit into the relationship. The conflict is resolved with a bit of logic, reasoning, and compassion.

If, however, the conflict remains unresolved, the yarn starts unraveling, and the relationship deterioration continues.

Stage 2: Circumscribing

What comes after unresolved conflict is a period of limited communication. The two partners still talk, but not as often and not about the topics that need to be analyzed. 

Usually, one side fears an argument, so they just skirt around the sensitive topic, and the other partner follows their lead. Before they know it, they’ve already set up walls between them. Their communication is now worse in both quality and quantity.

Stage 3: Stagnating

If nothing changes to fix the forced and strained communication, things stagnate for a while.

Partners are left unsure about what needs to be done. Or perhaps they do know the relationship has to end, but they can’t bring themselves to leave just yet.

The worst part about this stage is that resignation and hopelessness take over.

Stage 4: Avoiding

Now, the partners aren’t just avoiding certain topics. They’re actively putting distance between themselves.

Even if they’re sharing a house, it’ll seem like they’re living separate lives, with minimal eye contact, meaningful conversations, and quality time.

Stage 5: Terminating

After a while, the avoidance and dissatisfaction become too much to bear. Without both sides acknowledging the problem and working to fix it, a breakup is the only logical step. 

The 7 Stages of Post-Breakup Grief

We’ve seen how a relationship can break down one step at a time. Now, let’s see how people deal with the aftermath.

Stage 1: Ambivalence and Confusion

At first, you’ll feel all over the place. Part of you is glad all the bickering is over. The other part was hoping you’d make it work.

It doesn’t help that there are a hundred questions racing through your mind, too. The loudest of these questions is often whether the breakup was the right decision. It’s likely that your mind will play the “what if” game, too.

Tips for This Stage

• Get closure, even if it’s symbolic. A grief ritual might be all you need to work through your emotions. Getting rid of all reminders of the person is a good move. 
• Focus on the right questions. Reflect on what you didn’t like about the relationship and what you’d like to take away from the experience.

Stage 2: Denial

This stage can be particularly hard if it was a serious, long-term relationship. You’ve likely put everything into that relationship—time, effort, and emotions. Now it’s all gone, which can be hard to accept. So, you keep running from your feelings to postpone the grieving process.

Maybe you’ll even talk and act as if it’s a temporary split. You want to convince yourself that you’ll get back together and repair the relationship.

Tips for This Stage

• Go no-contact. If possible, avoid all contact with your ex.

• Don’t bottle up. The no-contact rule is here to save you from a heartbreakingly messy situation. Don’t take it as a sign to shut down your emotions or pretend you’re fine.

• Break the news. Telling your loved ones about the breakup can help you process what happened and find clarity.

• Avoid rash decisions. The last thing you want is to make a major decision when you’re in shock.

Stage 3: Bargaining and Longing

Bargaining comes as a brief distraction. You start considering getting in touch with your former partner. You’re ready to tell them that it’ll be different this time.

Note that the bargaining in this stage isn’t always this obvious. Maybe you find a seemingly plausible reason to talk to them again. Perhaps it’s their birthday, or you have some news to share.

Conventional wisdom says not to trust that voice in your head that says things like “call them,” “send them a quick text,” and “you’re just being friendly.”

Tips for This Stage

• Say no to selective memory. There must have been a few good sides to your ex, but there was the bad stuff, too. So, there’s no reason to idealize the relationship.

• Hold on to your values. Don’t let the fear of being in a new situation push you to compromise beyond reason.

• Be willing to reflect on your behavior. One good thing that can come out of the bargaining stage is retrospection.

Stage 4: Anger and Resentment

At some point, the fear of being alone fades. It gets replaced with anger, frustration, disappointment, betrayal, and resentment. There are a lot of emotions that could rush through your system, and none of them is particularly appealing.

In fact, some people find anger to be the best of a bad bunch. Yes, it can be difficult to control and will cost you a lot if you’re not careful. But anger is also easy to understand. Frustration and resentment, on the other hand, can be harder to understand and deal with.

The exact mix of motivators behind this wave of negative feelings changes from one relationship to another. For some, the thought of their ex-partner being with someone else is a massive trigger. For others, feeling hurt and betrayed fuels their rage.

Some people also keep replaying past offenses in their head, which only intensifies the negative emotions. Soon, you find yourself bitter and cynical.

Tips for This Stage

• Find healthy outlets. If you don’t let this rage out in a healthy way, you might lash out and push people away. Exercising and art are two easy picks.

• Avoid your triggers. Set enough boundaries between the places, activities, and topics that reignite your anger.

Stage 5: Sadness and Hopelessness

If you go through this stage, pain will take over, and you’ll feel down most (if not all) of the time. Another classic symptom is a lack of interest in the activities that used to bring you joy.

Tips for This Stage

• There’s no point in shunning grief away. Give yourself time and space to mourn the loss of your relationship.
• Don’t underestimate self-care. It might not sound like much, but enough sleep, good food, and physical activity can make a difference in your mood.
• Reach out to friends. I know this is easier said than done. But isolating yourself completely isn’t good for you. Let your loved ones help you out.
• Consider therapy. If the sadness is getting too heavy to bear alone, consider seeking professional help.

Outdoor activities

Stage 6: Acceptance

Thankfully, the rage, sadness, and confusion won’t last forever. Your wound will heal over time, and you will accept that a relationship you once cherished is now over.

You might not be the happiest person ever during this stage. But at least you’ll be rid of most of the negative emotions around your now-dead relationship.

Once you feel stable enough, you could seek a new relationship without fearing that it’ll end up being an unhealthy rebound.

Remember that the worst aspect of a rebound is that there’s a high chance you’re entering the relationship for all the wrong reasons. If you’ve accepted that things are over with your ex, you’re less likely to want to show off to them or project their traits on your new partner.

Tips for This Stage

• Embrace a new perspective. Look at the whole relationship and be a. grateful for the experience and b. proud of your resilience. 
• Enjoy the peace. You’re no longer in agony, so go out and live.
• Don’t seek empty validation. It’ll be tempting to get in touch with your ex just to show them that you’re doing well. Don’t open that can of worms.

Stage 7: Growth

Your relationship had its ups and downs, and so did your healing process. Maybe you’ve been stuck repeating a few stages for a while, too. Yet, none of that was in vain. After all that time, you’ve grown as a person.

The journey has given you the chance to recognize your patterns, define your needs, and find the sort of self-awareness that you probably didn’t have before. So, be proud of that better version of yourself as you move forward in life.

Tips for This Stage

• Don’t rush. Just because you’ve grown as a person doesn’t mean you’ll meet “the one” right away. Take things slow and enjoy what you have now.

Key Takeaways

Relationships break apart gradually, starting with unresolved conflict that restricts communication between partners. They might stagnate for a while, but then they actively avoid each other’s company. Before anyone knows it, they’re ready to split.

After the breakup, it’s normal to cycle between stages of confusion, anger, longing, and sadness. Eventually, you’ll reach acceptance and learn to move on with your life.