By definition, the avoidant attachment style hinders closeness. It creates discomfort around emotional intimacy and puts distance between lovers.

All of this can make an avoidant partner hard to read. Still, it’s hard, but not impossible, to find out how they feel about you.

This post will help you do just that. Today, I’ll share some simple signs that an avoidant loves you. I’ll also go over the best ways to respond to that love and the main problems to expect as you nurture the relationship.

Modulate Your Expectations

Before we get to the signs, I think it’s necessary to cover some basics.

You’ve already heard about the various attachment styles (secure, anxious, and avoidant) and all their subcategories (dismissive avoidant, fearful avoidant, etc.). But what about the love styles?

It’s important to note that attachment styles and love styles are two entirely different concepts, but they’re often related.

Overview of the Different Love Styles

Not everyone “loves” the same way, and not all relationships share the same language. That’s a given.  

And since you’re trying to understand your avoidant partner, it helps to define the style of love each of you wants and chases.

There are different types, from manic love to agape or unconditional love. Odds are you’ve seen most of them in relationships around you. Let’s give them some labels and look at the details.

Avoidants May Be Ludus Lovers

As it happens, avoidants are mostly drawn to ludus. And the thing about ludus lovers is that they’re all about enjoying the present moment. Commitment and emotional intensity, on the other hand, aren’t particularly appealing to them.

The stereotypical romantic relationships for a ludus lover is causal, flirtatious, spontaneous, and quite uncommitted.

Still, I need to reiterate that this is all just a broad generalization. Don’t let yourself believe that avoidantly attached people can’t be in serious, long-term relationships.

7 Signs an Avoidant Loves You

Now that we have a good grasp of the sort of love that avoidants prefer, we can start analyzing how they show that love.

Here are 7 things an avoidant in love would do:

1. Opens to Vulnerability (Albeit Hesitantly and Gradually)

Avoidantly attached people are uncomfortable being close to others. And I don’t just mean physically. Trusting someone enough to open up and share feelings is a battle uphill for the average avoidant.

So, if your partner is showing you a degree of vulnerability, that’s a big deal. Yes, it might not be as massive a conversation about their trauma or fears. What you’re looking for here is a gradual acceptance of intimacy.

This acceptance will likely flow both ways as well. What I mean here is that they won’t just open their world to you, but they’ll also actively listen when you’re talking about your feelings.

2. Responds in Kind When It Comes to Non-Verbal Communication

Odds are, “I love you” isn’t the easiest sentence for your avoidant lover. So, they might not say it as frequently and fluently as you do. But there are ways to show one’s love, right? Keep your eyes peeled for those.

Acts of service, gift giving, and quality time are all contenders, based on your partner’s love language. The one I like to focus on the most is physical touch.

Again, avoidants can be uncomfortable with public displays of affection (PDAs). However, they might try if they’re really into you. Some will even keep track of how often you initiate non-verbal communication just so they can reciprocate it.

The Affection in Body Language

3. Makes Time for You Regularly

Space is sacred for avoidants. Yet, many self-aware avoidants value consistency. They know they have to invest time and effort to make things work with the person they love.

It’s hard to predict what they’ll consider “consistent,” but you’ll likely notice that the distance between the two of you is shrinking over time. At least, you’ll see that the avoidant doesn’t need as much distance from you as they do from everyone else.

4. Wants You to Have Space

Do you know how people say that we love in the way we want to be loved? Some believe this is a massive mistake because it leaves both sides frustrated, but that isn’t what we need to focus on right now. In fact, it’ll play in your favor if your partner actually falls for this mistake.

Suppose they do give you space and encourage you to enjoy it to the max. That’s exactly how an avoidantly attached person would want to be loved, don’t you think? So, you could say that they’re giving you a gift they perceive as precious because they love you.

At some point, the two of you will need to learn to be more attuned to each other’s needs, so you love one another the “right” way. For now, you can relish the fact that they’re giving you something incredibly huge in their eyes.

5. Doesn’t Run at the Mention of a Future Together

The avoidant attachment wound usually stems from neglect and rejection by close people. To avoid reopening this wound, avoidants tend to… well, avoid getting close to anyone.

If your partner is willing to move forward with the relationship, that’s a great indicator of love. Even the willingness to discuss having a future together isn’t a bad first step.

6. Encourages You to Be Part of the Inner Circle

As I’ve just mentioned, commitment doesn’t come naturally to avoidants.

That’s why your significant other letting you into the inner circle is a good thing. It’s even better if they don’t just introduce you to their family and friends. They might actually encourage you to be part of the group.

Maybe they’ll ask you to come to important family events and gatherings. Or perhaps they include you in hangouts with your friends. Either way, they’re trusting you, which is always a positive sign.

The girl introduces her boyfriend to her family

7. Comes Back After Deactivating

If you’ve been around avoidantly attached people long enough, you’ll know about deactivation. But let me break it down quickly, anyway.

For the avoidant attachment style, anyone who could hurt or disappoint is a trigger. As a protective strategy, the skittish avoidants pull away both emotionally and physically. They might even dampen positive feelings and affection.

However, if your partner can’t stay away for long, they likely love you and care about you deeply.

Of course, it would be much better if they were willing to challenge their negative beliefs about relationships and fight the need to withdraw. Still, we’re looking for baby steps here.

Brace Yourself for the Issues That Come With Avoidant Love

All relationships have their good and bad. Romantic partnerships with avoidants are no exception.

Let’s take a look at some of the obstacles you could come across along the way.

1. Ludic Love Isn’t for Everyone

Perhaps the broad generalization about attachment styles and love styles holds in your case, and your partner really is a ludus-style lover.

If you’re also drawn to ludus, that’s great news! After all, ludus love works just fine when both parties walk into the relationship with a no-strings-attached mindset.

But maybe you’re leaning towards eros love. You crave that intense physical and emotional attraction. You demand commitment. And you’ll settle for nothing less from your significant other from the get-go.

Making things work here isn’t impossible (couples therapy helps), but it’s going to be hard work.

2. The Risk of Withdrawal Will Always Loom Over

Your avoidant partner might try to communicate, make time for you, and open up emotionally. Still, their attachment style will get the better of them now and then, which will force them to shut down temporarily.

For some people, that’s fine as long as they come back. For others, the mere risk that their spouse will withdraw whenever things get overwhelming is stressful. 

3. Playing the role of a Mind-Reader Can Get Tedious

Educating yourself about your partner’s attachment and preferred love styles is great. It’ll provide insights that’ll help you decipher the mixed signals. Yet, at some point, you might get tired of trying to read minds just to reassure yourself that you’re loved and wanted.

If you believe this will put a strain on your relationship, talk to your partner about your fears, so you’re not left in the dark.

5 Tips for Responding to an Avoidant’s Love

Hopefully, you can recognize most of the signs on the list in your own relationship. Even then, you might be left wondering about the “right” way to respond.

Many in your situation would be afraid that their responses would overwhelm their already-skittish partner and scare them away. So, how does one respond to an avoidant’s subtle displays of love?

Here are five tips to help you out:

1. Be Their Safe Space

The first thing you should do as a partner of an avoidant is to learn all there is to know about the attachment style. This makes it easier to put yourself in their shoes.

Once you’re in their shoes, you’ll see that showing vulnerability is hard—so hard that criticism will discourage any avoidant from opening up again. So, you don’t want to start making fun of how awkward they are at showing affection at first.

To the best of your ability, try to set judgments aside and create a safe space. You want your significant other to slowly but steadily trust that they can share their feelings with you. You also want them to get comfortable being vulnerable.

2. Work on Your Non-Verbal Communication

After a while, you might realize that non-verbal displays of affection are easier for your partner to receive and give back. If that’s the case, it could be worthwhile to start focusing on non-verbal gestures.

For one, your partner will reciprocate it better, and this will help reassure you that you’re loved. Plus, non-verbal communication can ease them into more verbal affirmations and direct emotional intimacy.

3. Expect Change

Avoidants can heal their wounds with time, therapy, and validating relationship experience. So, if the two of you keep working on the relationship, you can change the nature of your love and shape it into something that suits you.

It’s also worth noting that some relationships start as ludos or eros but shift along the way. They could even end up pragmatic. In fact, ludos and pragma can co-exist.

4. Know How to Ask for More

There might come a time when your partner isn’t opening up and learning to trust the relationship as fast as you need them to. In this case, you’ll need to sit down and discuss the issue directly.

Then again, you don’t want to criticize or assign blame. Instead, you want to communicate your needs clearly and see if you can reach a decent compromise.

5. Don’t Ignore Your Own Self-Care Routine

A man is taking a walk in the park

Putting in that much hard work in a relationship can be draining. So, don’t forget to take time to do all the activities that keep you happy, peaceful, and secure. Having your own support system goes a long way as well.

Final Thoughts

To recap, you can guess that your partner loves you by the way they work against their attachment style to spend time with you. This can manifest as making time for you, opening up gradually, reciprocating your displays of affection, and picturing a future together.

But ultimately, you’re not a mind-reader for avoidants, and you shouldn’t be. Consider discussing couples therapy with your significant other to see if you can find a communication style that works for the two of you.