Partners of avoidantly attached people may struggle trying to figure out the nature of their relationships. Their partners might come off as aloof and uninvested at times. There’s also the constant emotional buffer that hinders true vulnerability.

That’s all to be expected when you have an avoidant in your life, even if it’s just platonic. But when does this avoidance cross the threshold and become a warning sign of an impending breakup?

Today’s post explores how avoidants behave when they’re actually done with a relationship. Read on for more insights into this attachment style’s breakup strategies.

Key Takeaways

• Emotional deactivation can be a red flag, but it doesn’t always lead to breakups.
• Avoidants usually opt for indirect, non-confrontational relationship termination tactics.
• Short and meaningless conversations, indifference, and an overall lack of compassion are all signs that things are over between the two of you.

Avoidant Deactivation ≠ Impending Breakup

Before we look at the warning signs of an impending breakup, we need to cover the concept of avoidant deactivation.

For most avoidantly attached people, closeness and intimacy are tricky feats. Their hyper-independence makes it hard to invest in a relationship and be open. And when things get particularly intense, they try to cope through “deactivating” their emotions.

The main difference between avoidant deactivation and active breakup efforts is the intention (or lack of). The latter is intentional, while the former is an involuntary defense mechanism.

It’s also worth noting that deactivating strategies manifest in a whole lot of forms. One common strategy is distancing oneself (physically, emotionally, or both). You can also expect to see suppressed feelings and compulsive self-reliance.

During this stage, the avoidant person will likely dampen any positive feelings or memories associated with their partner/friend. They might also deny their own shortcomings in an attempt to maintain the upper hand in the situation.

All that only makes building connections and fixing the relationship even harder. So, avoidant deactivation could eventually lead to a breakup or severing of ties (if it’s platonic). However, things may not get to that point.

Platonic Love

Image source: Click2pro

In some cases, avoidants get overwhelmed because they’re not used to being extremely close and emotional. With a bit of space, time, (some reflection and therapy won’t hurt, either), they can come back ready to invest in the relationship.

3 Key Signs an Avoidant Checked Out of a Relationship

You could look at the common deactivation strategies I just discussed and draw a picture of an avoidant who’s about to leave.

So, you can guess that they’re likely going to put plenty of distance between you and them. Then they’re not going to come back, even if you’ve given them space and time.

But why not take a more scientific approach?

Research by Leslie Baxter is particularly relevant here. The research identifies four ways that people dissolve relationships. Those would be withdrawal, manipulation, use of positive tone, and confrontation.

Some studies tried to correlate Baxter’s relationship dissolution strategies with people with avoidant attachment styles. The results showed that withdrawal, manipulation, and distant communication were all common among avoidants wanting to end things.

Let’s break things down to simple signs you can spot in day-to-day interactions.

1. Their Withdrawal Is Getting Too Intense to Ignore

Avoidants (especially dismissive ones) are famously prone to shutting down and withdrawing in relationships as a defense mechanism. But when they’re “done” with someone, they’ll do it even more obviously. 

Think of all the ways the avoidant you know has been creating buffers between the two of you from the get-go. They’ll all be pushed to the extreme and will do all that’s in their power to keep you at arm’s length.

This looks different for every relationship. So, you’ll have to reflect on your relationship. For example, they might disclose as little as possible about their day, even if it’s something as small and insignificant as what they’re currently watching on TV.

Almost all conversations you have with them will be superficial and brief. This applies to texts and calls, too. In fact, they might avoid picking up the phone whenever they see your name on the caller ID.

2. They’ll Give (And Expect) Less

Whatever small displays of affection you’re used to from them will wither away.

You’ll likely notice that they won’t do favors for you anymore. But that’s not necessarily a self-centered behavior since they won’t demand your attention or time. And they certainly won’t ask you for favors.

3. There’s a General Lack of Interest and Compassion in Their Tone

In a minute, I’ll talk in depth about why avoidants don’t use positive tones when they’re about to break up with someone. But for now, it’s important to note that a lack of compassion and acting indifferent to your emotions are huge warning signs.

Just as they avoid sharing details about their day, they’ll shut you down or purposely appear disengaged when you try to talk about anything remotely emotional.

So, you might not get a response at all when you seek reassurance. You  might even get called clingy and needy.

4. They’ll Downplay the Relationship’s Importance

This is a common behavior among avoidantly attached partners anyway. However, it gets even more pronounced when they’re emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship. So, you may notice that they’re given more weight to their work and solo hobbies.

Unfortunately, this one stings a lot and makes partners feel unappreciated.

5. They’re Resorting to Manipulative Tactics

Rather than telling you to your face that they want to end things, they might take more convoluted routes.

For instance, the avoidant person might give away hints that they’re interested in someone else. In their mind, they’re hoping you pick up on the fact that they no longer want to stay in this relationship.

They might also drop hints that they’re unhappy in their current relationship when talking to mutual friends. This way, the friend will shoulder the burden of having to break the news to you.

So, if one of your friends is trying to tell you something about your avoidant partner, hear them out. Yes, they may have been manipulated into having this conversation with you. But shutting them down just because the conversation hurts won’t help.

The Final Blow: How Attachment Avoidants End Relationships

General withdrawal from the relationship is the biggest warning sign. But you might be wondering how far the avoidant will take the situation.

Of course, there’s a chance you’ll be able to resolve things between you, too. However, it’s understandable if you just want to be prepared for the worst-case scenario.

Here are the two hallmarks of an avoidant’s approach to relationship termination:

They’ll Do It Indirectly

When the avoidant finally decides to end things, odds are they’ll opt for an indirect approach.

Something I see often is using technology to “ease” the breakup. One example of that is sending a text or simply blocking the other person on social media. Any method that gets the avoidant out of a face-to-face conversation will seem pretty appealing.

In fact, you can expect something multiple layers removed from confrontation, such as changing one’s relationship status on social media accounts.

And as I mentioned, there’s always the manipulative approach. That’s when they toy with mutual friends, hoping they’ll then go and plant the seeds of a breakup in their partner’s mind.

An avoidant might outright tell a third party that they want to leave and ask them to have that difficult conversation on their behalf.

They’ll Do It Without Much Compassion

Remember when I briefly discussed positive tone as one of the strategies of relationship dissolution? Well, it refers to partners who take responsibility for the breakup (i.e., the “it’s not you—it’s me” approach) in an attempt to make the other person feel a bit better.

The studies showed that people with attachment avoidance don’t usually go down that route. 

Now, that’s not always an indicator of narcissism. The avoidant doesn’t do this because they think their partner is entirely at fault. Instead, their refusal to opt for self-blame has more to do with creating a clean cut.

An avoidant who’s really done with the relationship won’t want to leave the door ajar. So, they won’t sugar-coat things or take the blame out of compassion. On the contrary, they want to sever ties and end things once and for all.

In some cases, they won’t even use this positive tone internally. It’s as if they’re trying to convince themselves that the other person isn’t right for them, which fuels their withdrawal tendencies even more.

Avoidance Attachment vs. Anxiety Attachment 

So far, we’ve covered how partners with avoidance attachment styles approach breakups. But how do they compare to those with preoccupied or anxious attachment styles?

Let’s take a closer look at both sides of the equation:

What to Do When You Spot the Warning Signs？

Let me clarify one thing: It’s not impossible to learn to love an avoidantly attached person.

The two of you need to educate yourselves, modify your expectations, and nurture a relationship that works for both of you. It’ll take time and commitment, but it’s possible.

You also have to keep in mind that all the warning signs are just generalizations.You’ll know your relationship situation better than anyone else. Just because your partner seems aloof doesn’t mean your relationship is condemned to fail.

That being said, let’s check out how you can react to the warning signs:

1. Don’t Chase, Complain, or Criticize

The number one mistake I see people in these situations make is chasing their partners.

I get that seeing your loved one keeping you at arm’s length can be extremely frustrating. However, you shouldn’t rush things. The more you chase, the more they’ll pull away.

You also don’t want to start pointing fingers and blaming them for being neglectful or unresponsive. This will only push them to a defensive position, which fuels their avoidance.

If you’re up for it, give them a bit of space. And if you must demand some change, ask for what you want (rather than complain about what you’re currently getting).

2. Consider Your Options

So, you’ve expressed your needs and given your partner space. What if they still don’t change their ways?

Well, you’ve got options. For one, you could bring up couples therapy to see if they’re willing to salvage the relationship.

Couples Therapy

Image source: Google

But while the wounds fueling the avoidant attachment can heal, you’re still not your partner’s therapist. So, the other option is to cut your losses and move on if they’re not willing to work on fixing things.

3. Don’t Neglect Your Own Self-Care

No matter which route you go down, I know things won’t be easy. Don’t let the pressure of it all push you to ignore your needs and boundaries. Try practicing self-compassion and talking to yourself in the way you hoped your partner would.

Of course, therapy can also help offer the support you need to move on with whatever choice you make.

Final Thoughts

If there’s one tip I can give you, it’s this: Don’t personalize your partner’s behavior.

They’re not withdrawing and pulling away because of you. It’s just an emotional survival mechanism.

In the meantime, you could work on your own attachment style. Mindfulness, journaling, and individual therapy can all help you build a secure attachment that you’ll take to your next relationship.